The Filipino Daughter Who Was Made to Feel She Is "Too Much"

There was a circulating story that when I was a baby, my mother only had to put two bottles filled with milk in my crib, and in the morning, the bottles were sucked clean. 

I didn’t cry.

I didn’t wake up anyone.

I was a pretty easy going baby.

In the family though I was not the favorite. 

The explanation  I was told was because I took care of things and was quite independent. Malakas ang loob as they would say. I would jumped into an opportunity before I learned the ropes on how things work. I made things work by just learning as I go on my own.

Again, I didn’t bother anyone. 

I learned at an early stage that “ not being too much” brought me approvals and nods and I think- this is a modest asking from a little girl.

Approval can mean love and attention from the people from whom it mattered the most.

The Feeling of Being Too Much

Feeling “too much” is a relational imprint, meaning it only happens in the context of your relationship with another person. Sometimes, it cold be brought about by what is rewarded in a culture or a family dynamic. When you are praised and seen as part of the group because of a behavior, you’re likely to repeat what brought you praise. 

The feeling of not being a burden and being considerate of  others’ needs  are not  unfair communal expectations. Humanity can’t survive if we only begin to think of ourselves and even if we do, it’s not completely possible to be self-sustainable without bartering good, services and even the trust of another human  being. 

Most humans are sensitive to the needs of others but those who “feel too much,” have a heightened sensitivity to wanting to do more while asking less as to not burden others.

Here are some tell-tale signs that you were made to believe that you are “too much.”

Of course, it doesn’t mean that you exhibit one or two of these things that” being too much” is the source of your complaints.

• Often, you are complimented as the organized one or people see you as put together either by external or internal measures. 

• You are motivated to be self-sufficient. You don’t like relying on others not because you can’t trust them but because you don’t want to put too much on their plate.

• It’s hard for you to ask for what you need. You ask when you’ve assessed that it’s easy enough for the other person to say yes.

• You are an over-achiever & can’t seem to have any other option.

• You are way too considerate of others, your voice, and your opinion. 

• When somebody offers help, even when you need it, your usual response is - “it’s ok.”

This is not an exhaustible list but find out- Do you feel too much?

Access your Free Assessment Guide: From Feeling to Much to Finally Feeling Good Enough for Filipino Daughters.

Why I Was Too Much For You

Decades ago, parents are completely oblivious on any knowledge about their children’s developmental phases. Children are there to be seen but not heard. I am the parent and you are the child so do as you are told. Period. End of conversation.

So, when children cry or throw a tantrum, Filipino parents have no other explanation than 1. Their child is being “bad,” 2. They need to be taught, 3. I am not a good enough parent. I’m doing something “ bad.” It’s my job to correct this (my child), 

With the lack of plausible alternative explanations and available resources on effective parenting strategies, Filipino parents, use the same model used on them.

Sounds familiar-

• “ Pumirmi (stay put) ka dyan! (threat)

• When a child starts crying- “ Itigil mo na yan at lalo kang malilintikan.” (threat) 

• Isa, dalawa, tatlo…..( counting to stop the behavior)

• Buti pa si, Mary, tahimik lang (comparing to someone with a perceived desirable behavior).

• “Bahala ka na sa buhay mo!” (love withdrawal)

• I’ve done everything for you. I can’t believe….(guilt induction)

• Telling on others about the perceived “bad” behavior of the child (shame)

It’s not just the lack of knowledge of their children’s developmental phase that parents  use these strategies. Others have become more  aware but their own childhood had left a blueprint on how they perceive their children by way of how they were perceived by their adults when they were children. Often, it’s not that they treat their children the same, instead, their unconscious fear makes them parent in the complete opposite of how they were parented.

The ghost still exists in their mind, except, that they’re running the opposite way, still out of fear, disgust, or simply worry to be the parent they don’t want to be like.

As a mother, no one is immune to not having used any of these strategies. The point is using these as a pattern leaves an imprint to the child- “ I am too much.”

I created a Self- Assessment Guide for Filipino daughters who are navigating guilt, emotional burnout and boundaries. It will guide you on how much emotional burnout you are carrying and provide you with actionable steps to stop feeling "too much" to feeling good enough. Access here or click the image below.

Feeling Good Enough

Unless you learn to believe and engineer your mind and body to decisions in which you make them from a place of enough-ness, it will take some time.

I was often in deep reflections as a child and by aligning my mind and body to a new reality rather than the one I was made to believe, I was able to learn to embrace myself as who I am. To this day, I continue to have practices so that the memory of being “good enough” sticks to my brain like velcro. 

You can begin to do this too.

Here are some suggestions to practice:

1. Make an appointment with yourself every week (or more) and make sure to make this appointment. This builds self-trust that you can count on yourself. You can decide what you do on your appointment. I usually do some collaging, junk journaling or reading a book.

2. Be with people who you don’t have to prove your worth to. Notice and really notice how you feel good enough being with them.

3. Journal daily for at least 30 days with the prompt: What was good enough today? Your mind and body need restructuring by feeding it daily multivitamins of memories, feelings and sensations that brought you the experience of being good enough.

4. Be with nature and take time to capture the sunlight in your pupils daily for at least 15 minutes. Nature will offer you wisdom and observations on how things are well and just good enough. Lavish in its presence.

5. Connect with your body with a simple visualization, 2-3 minutes of breathing and seeing you breath entering and enlivening your heart. Visualize this on most days if not daily.

   
   If you feel you need extra support and you’re ready to feel good enough, book a free consult with Roanne here.

Final Thoughts

You are NOT "too much," but instead your caregivers didn't have the capacity to tend to you. Children naturally want to please their adults. Without understanding on why you weren't given what you needed, you came to the conclusion- that it's Me who needs to accommodate.

In reality, it is the job of the adults to make sure you are looked after. Instead, you looked after the emotions of the adults' in your life to make sure they are pleased with you. You became overly considerate of others.

And, very inconsiderate of yourself.

It's not your fault that you feel this way.

But, today and onwards, you will begin to commit to yourself in the way the adults in your life missed the opportunity to tend to you. If you are ready to start this journey for yourself. Click below to schedule a free consult with Roanne.