Secret Life of Grief: What No one Tells You About Loss

In this article, we will explore the following:

• What is Grief?

• Disruption in Attachment & Grief

• When Trauma Turns to Grief

• Collective & Shared Grief

• Roanne's Final Thoughts

Can anxiety, depression, and even addiction used to mask grief?

Grief used to be a term that is only used to depict the sorrow and deep sadness of the bereaved. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Swiss psychiatrist popularized the stages of grief in her book, Death and Dying. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Today, we know that grief is beyond death and the dying, and although Kubler-Ross’ work has been a gift to us in giving us a framework on how some people process their grief. We have learned that some grief can be masked by anxiety, depression, and even addiction, and may be attributed to lost parts of ourselves.

We have not lost anyone but ourselves. 

This, too, is grief.

Grief Comes In Many Forms

Grief is a feeling of loss, losing someone, or losing a part of yourself. But you may also experience grief in an usually celebratory moment, such as the birth of your child. Of course, you go through developmental stages in life in which your stress is a part of adjusting to a new role. However, for some, even after the adjustment period has passed, the feeling of not “being myself,” or the thought of “ I just want how things used to be,” may be grief.

Here are a few ways that grief can show up in your life. This is not an exhaustible list.

• Losing a loved one 

• Losing a relationship 

• Transitioning to a new role

• Wish for connection that hasn’t happened

• Wish for connection that will not happen

• Unfulfilled dreams and/or desires

• Fulfilling someone else’s desires

• Loss of function (physical or psychological)

• Loss of status

• Memories of what could’ve been done or said

And, so the list goes on.

Disruption of Attachment as Grief 

The word trauma has become a buzz word. Long time ago, our traumas were denied and now we come to a place in history where most things can be traumatic. I think we can strike a better balance. First, many things can cause trauma and yet, not everything is traumatic.

Trauma and its definition has evolved with time. I, to, had a looser definition of trauma a decade ago, and as a psychotherapist, it's hard to resist the lure of the media to convince us that all things were caused by trauma.

In the research of John Gray, a play researcher, he found that humans (his number focused in the U.S.) have been declining in a few decades in engaging with play. Think about children and adults chatting, bantering, and exploring the outside (or inside). Play is essential to mammalian life ( yes, you are a mammal!), it regulates your body, you become used to novelty rather than seeing everything as a threat.

 Is it trauma or is it that we became a species easily threatened? 

Losing the connection of a parent, such as adoption, or family separation during immigration can be traumatic. But, your parents could’ve been with you physically but may be emotionally absent or a parent may be mentally or physically ill that may cause disruption in attachment. Attachment is the bond of safety and trust that forms between two people, usually a caregiver and child. 

There are instances in which disruption in attachment can be traumatic. For instance, if a child witnessed Immigration officers detain his mother. Trauma can arise when you find yourself in a situation where your ability to cope becomes powerless to the fear and threat you feel or experience.

Many disruption in attachment becomes normalized. If you have a drunk father and an emotionally absent mother, this is your life. At some point, if your mother starts caressing your back to soothe you, that may be a surprise of a lifetime for you. Their absence becomes the norm, what’s familiar to you. 

This type of disruption of attachment may not be deemed “traumatic” because it’s like a silent thief at night that never gets caught but you feel robbed in the morning each time. 

This is the feeling of loss, that something is missing or out of place is grief.

Why does this matter?

It matters because trauma is healed but grief is not. Grief comes from longing, an unmet yearning, a desire for love, unrealized. You sit with grief, you tend to it and nurture it. Watch the video below to get a visual on grief.

If you need support in your journey, you can schedule a free consult with me below.

When Trauma Turns to Grief

It is quite possible that a traumatic experience once healed enough can transform to grief. It is also quite possible that trauma and grief can co-exist. 

There are many myths we hold about grief. One of which is that you have to grieve alone. Most people don’t know what to do or say to someone who has experienced profound loss. You think that grieving happens in closed doors. 

When trauma turns to grief, what used to be a strong energy of depression, anxiety, and even addiction becomes a more regulated energy. Similar to a waterfall that comes with a surge of flow that can drown a non-swimmer, grief turns that flow into a more steady and quieter pace of the river. 

The longing and the yearning may still be there but now you can raft into the river.

If you need support in your journey, you can schedule a free consult with me below.

Collective Grieving

Before humans became more individualistic, we survived in tribes, small or big.  Resources may be scarce and so we lean into each others’  skill to hunt, others gather, while others stay on to watch our offsprings.  Efficiency brought about by technology allowed us to do things faster, with less reliance on each other to the point that we can solely, or so we disillusion ourselves to believe, do things alone.

Grieving is a communal event for a person may be a brother but is also a son,  a father, a lover, a confidante. In collective grieving, there is an understanding that in one person exists a generation of lineage and ancestry. Just like the birth of a child is not just the business of his parents, for his parents are children to their own parents, and theirs to their own ancestors, and so forth.

This is why grieving alone is antithesis to what makes us human. You certainly reserve the right to grieve in your own quiet space. Grieving collectively is not for show, it means you know that your pain of loss is understood by many.

You don’t have to grieve alone.

Final Thoughts

As society, we have convinced ourselves that being self-sufficient means not needing anyone else. Whether you realize it or not, we all go through  feelings of grief. Grief is not just losing someone you love but feeling out of place as if chasing a place that you no longer have access to.

A deep sorrow or sadness arises with grief.

As you can have your own sacred, quiet time to bear witness to your own grief, remember that you don’t have to do it alone.

If you need support, schedule a Free consult with Roanne below.